Upon following the marvelous success* of our homemade pesto, I’ve decided to share the journey with any of you chefs, entertainers, or those who simply desire a tasty**, elegant meal with basic ingredients. (*crushing failure, **vile)
We tried out this meal on ourselves, but it would have been so much better with guests to to show off our culinary supremacy. Imagine yourself preparing this dish for a dinner party of eight.
First, only the freshest and finest ingredients will do. Plant basil in your garden and wait a few weeks for it to grow, then go to Costco and purchase a $20.00 bag of pine nuts and a $15 wedge of Parmesan cheese. If you don’t already have olive oil, salt and garlic in your kitchen, then maybe cooking is just not for you. The nearest McDonald’s is just around the corner.
Second, open the NutriBullet that you received as a wedding gift a year ago. Follow the pesto directions to the letter in the instruction booklet for one serving: 12 basil leaves, 2 Tbsp of olive oil, 2 Tbsp of pine nuts, a chunk of Parmesan cheese, 1-2 cloves of garlic and a pinch of salt should be added to the TALL cup. Blend. Blend again. Keep blending, because nothing is chopping up. Blend until the mixture reaches the consistency that an expert chef would proclaim with pleasure, “Good enough, I guess.”
Third, put the special STEAMER cap on the TALL cup and place it in the microwave on high for 2-3 minutes. Do a double-take and check the directions again. Yes, that’s what it said. Two to Three Minutes. Shrug. The experts at NutriBullet must know what they’re talking about.
Fourth, observe with growing concern the mixture boiling in the microwave at 30 seconds in. Leave it in there. The instructions said 2-3 minutes, dammit! Remove the cup from the microwave at one minute and stare at the single serving.
It’s beautiful. Lovely, fresh, hot pesto. At this moment, the imaginary guests should be arriving. They delicately sniff the air in wonder and alarm. Quickly still their panic and assure them that there will be enough for everyone. One chef takes a delicate bite. “It’s burned on the inside.”
Go back to the second step. Triple the recipe. Observe with satisfaction that the pesto blends much better with more than a single serving. Pump your fists in exultation as it’s poured over the steaming plate of fresh spinach pasta. Carry the plates in triumph to the table to the awe and admiration of all of your guests. Pass around the dipping bread, bless the meal and dive in.
One guest cautiously chews. “It’s spicy,” she graciously compliments the chef. “Mmmm,” say all the guests as they down their water and grab their bread. “I love garlic,” another guest gasps his praise.
The next morning, all of your guests should still be enjoying the wonderful taste of your pesto. My fellow chef beamed with happiness this morning as he announced that it felt like a pesto monster had died in his mouth.