Our relationship had been tense for a while. People had been sending me needy messages trying to convince me not to give up on my affections for a long time. “Why do you keep bothering me about this?” I muttered. We aren’t scheduled to break up for months.
I initially got together with People knowing it was going to be a short-term relationship. We’d be together for a while, have some laughs, not get too clingy or dependent, and then we’d wave cheerfully as we headed off for the horizon in different directions. That’s how it worked for me, but I guess People didn’t see it the same way. I didn’t mislead People. I was honest right from the beginning. “This is a ONE YEAR subscription, ” I said. “It’s a free subscription, and I’m not interested in pursuing the relationship if I have to put any effort or money into it.”
It’s not that I don’t like People. I like the pictures of pretty people in pretty clothes, and once in a while there’s a feature article about someone who is actually quite interesting. But you know, sometimes the connection just wasn’t there. People chatted endlessly and energetically about some family named Kardashian, but failed to mention just why I should care about them. People’s feelings were hurt. Kardashians were important in People’s world. People gushed eagerly about some “Mad Men” who were competing in this “Game of Thrones” near “Silicon Valley”. There was something about “The Bachelorette” with an amazing “Voice” singing about how “Orange is the New Black.” The conversation petered out when I told People that I don’t have television or internet, and unfortunately these stories just didn’t make any sense. I couldn’t follow the gossip on these young new stars because I’d never heard of these young new stars, and frankly, didn’t see the point.
The last issue came to me with a lot of hostility and drama. “It’s over,” People said defiantly. “We’re finished. We’re through. I’m never speaking to you again. Please love me don’t leave me I love you please don’t go please please please.”
I feel for you, People. I really do. I’ve been on both sides of the break-up and it’s awful. I also know it’s going to be OK. There are millions of other People who love you. Just the way you are.